Smile and Nod
by Sadie Dragonfire
Summary: Lilly Potter has a discussion with her infant son. Mild, mild slash warning.


**Title:** Smile and Nod   
**By:** Sadie DragonFire   
**Part:** 1/1   
**Rating:** PG   
**Disclaimer:** JK Rowling birthed them into this world and takes full claim for their existence. I had nothing to do with it.   
**Warning:** Never try raw oysters.   
Pairings: Lilly/James, Sirius/Remus, discussed James/Sirius 

**Real Warning**: This fic contains subjects of a slashy nature. This means boys liking other boys. This fic is very mild with no real details on the matter. There isn't even any kissing. 

**Notes:** This was inspired from the all the James/Sirius fics I read. I found myself wondering what Lilly would think of them being attracted to each other if she knew about it. And so spawned this fic. It's rather awkward and strange, and may switch tenses in a shocking manner, but remember its sort of a stream of consciousness fic. Basically, Lilly is telling it how she remembers it. Oh, and I really don't think she was a Gryffindor (I prefer the Slytherin idea, its just too funny) but its works for this fic. 

Feedback welcome! Come on people, torch me! 

* * *

I couldn't honestly tell you how my relationship with your father began. I suppose that's a terrible thing to say, but its true! When I got that letter from Hogwarts, they may has well have put a little note at the end; "Oh, and you're going to marry James Potter." Wouldn't have made a bit of difference, I knew it from the moment we met. 

It's true! We sat near each other on the train to Hogwarts that very first day. There he was, already dressed in his robes, hair an absolute mess, and grinning at me with an adorable blush. From the instant I saw him I knew that was the wizard I was going to marry. 

Now how was I to know that those innocent baby-blue eyes hid more mischief than a bucket full of Gremlins? Ah well, the things you learn. 

Of course, I wasn't really thinking about marriage just then (the realization of my future hadn't come clear yet, but the idea was there), at that time I was nervous and afraid, my sister's scathing comments still ringing in the back of my head. He was seated next to another boy, your Uncle Sirius of course, and just happened to look up as I entered. Our eyes met and so it began, the start of our whole love affair. Love at first sight, my dearling, and romantic as a fairy tale. Perfect as a dream. 

Well, perhaps I'm exaggerating. You see, he was in love with Sirius then. 

Surprised? Don't be. Everyone was in love with Sirius. Charming as cat and twice as clever, he was. Sweeter than most desserts and just as bad for you. All those other empty headed girls and boys falling all over themselves for him and they didn't even have a clue as to who he really was. I was privileged, as the one and only honorary female Marauder, I knew exactly want went on in that pretty head; all those dirty thoughts and deadly pranks that were stemmed by James' sensibility and Remus' caution. But he was a good person underneath it all, the kind of person you pray will be your friend because he'll do anything for you. Anything. 

Anyways, back to James. Like I said before, he loved Sirius. Sirius, however, was completely oblivious to it. They'd known each other since infancy, I'm certain. The nurse must have put them in the same crib by accident, upon which they shook hands and started discussing Quiddritch. (The other love of my James's life.) 

I became apart of their lives and group from that first day (We met up with Remus that night at the feast, after getting sorted into Gryffindor, and it was months before Peter joined up). Granted, I missed most of the action by the sheer virtue of my gender, but I saw enough. 

I saw as James' love of Sirius went from childish devotion to adolescent infatuation. Saw the blushes and hungry looks when the other's back was turned. Saw the heartbreak as it became clear that Sirius had eyes only for Remus. 

It was strange, you understand, because the whole of Hogwarts thought James and I were already together. I'm sure even Sirius, Remus, and Peter thought the same. We were almost always in each other's company, he and I. Talking with heads bowed together, hands so close, and that look on his face that only Sirius and myself have ever coaxed out of him. 

He loved me too, of course, from the very beginning. But he was torn. Torn between the two of us. My poor James. 

I like to think I would been selfless, would have given him up should his choice have been different, but I'm not sure. Do I flatter myself to believe I would have not gone after Sirius Black like an enraged cat? Clawing out his eyes for taking my one and only love? 

The question is moot, because he did choose me. I'm not sure where it started; suddenly the hands that swung so close together as we walked were now holding, the curious blushing looks were now heated gazes full of promise. Kisses once blown in mocking were now applied with the deepest affection. That was sometime during sixth year, I think. 

After we became more official, Sirius and Remus did too. For that I am eternally grateful. Both because they suited each other so well, and because I wanted Sirius securely bound to another person. Selfish of me? Oh yes. But want to know something really terrible? 

It was at our wedding reception. James had gone off to answer a call of nature, and I went outside to get some fresh air. Remus was there in the garden, seated on a bench and watching the quarter moon. 

He was without Sirius, for once, that slim face of his distant. He didn't look at me when I drifted over to him, feeling light with wine and happiness. We sat in silence for long moment, when suddenly he said: 

"I'm glad you have James." 

I smiled at him. I was glad too. But he wasn't finished. 

"Because I really can't compete against him." 

The words didn't make sense at first, but when they did I was staggered. So…so, Sirius did feel the same. Quickly, I remembered all the times our whole group was together. James was the one I paid attention too, but now I could clearly see Sirius's feelings as well. Not anywhere as realized as James, but there all the same. Love, want, devotion. God…oh thank God James never acted on his feelings. 

I would have lost him forever. 

Carefully, I sat next to my friend. Remus and I were never very close, but he is still one of my dearest friends. Without knowing exactly what I was saying, I began talking. 

"Have you heard the Muggle term, 'Just smile and nod'?" 

He gave me a strange look and shook his head. 

"It's what you do when you don't know, or don't want to know, or don't understand something. Just smile and nod, like there is nothing wrong with the world." 

A look of understanding covered that pensive face. "No question, no argument, just smile and nod, huh?" 

"Yes. I'm sorry to say. Lets go back in." 

We never talked about it again. 

They're very happy together, Sirius and Remus. There is such joy in Sirius's face when he looks at his lover. And James is happy with me. You too! He adores you, little one. I know he doesn't regret a single choice that landed him with me. That he loves me beyond comparison. 

So when Sirius and Remus come to visit, and sometimes their eyes meet for too long, and every once in a while when James whispers his best friend's name in his sleep, I just turn my head and smile and nod. 

Because everything is all right with the world. 

---End 


End file.
